anthurium

As much as I dislike spouting “token feminist” ideals at people I care about, I couldn’t resist making the Anti-Acrimony Intervention appeal to a friend recently. (If only I had a cupcake for every time I have participated in that conversation, or some variation thereof…I wish Feminist Brownie Points could somehow result in actual brownies.)

“I just don’t get along with other women,” she sighed.

Whenever I hear women complain about other women as a group, my heart breaks a little. Navigating our way through a male-dominated, male-centered, male-controlled world is trying enough; there is no reason not to support each other in our efforts to survive.

I asked her why she felt that way. Her answer was, “there just aren’t any cool girls out there.”

I can’t relate. Although asshats come in all varieties of gender presentation, I am fortunate enough to know hordes of fabulous, feisty, intelligent, outspoken, and fun females. I don’t believe that it is a random or coincidental occurrence.

Confirmation bias (a tendency to seek out and retain information which is congruent with what we already believe) is almost certainly to blame for part of this. Since women are socialized to believe that other women are “catty” or “competition,” occurrences of said acrimonious behavior spring more easily to mind than the converse.

Without spouting hippy-dippy, new age dogma, things people believe in tend to result in certain tendencies toward self-fulfilling prophecy. Women won’t find solidarity, strength, and support in other women if we aren’t actively seeking those qualities in our relationships with each other.

I am not blaming women for their antipathy toward other women. We all grew up steeped in misogyny, and it takes time and effort to unlearn pernicious self-defeating behavior. This pathological socialization is not our fault, but it will continue to remain our problem until we make conscientious efforts to change the way we relate to one another. Women should re-evaluate how we are socialized to project acrimony toward one another.

I am not espousing some idealistic dreamworld in which women all hold hands and sing kumbaya. Acknowledging differences is an imperative part of forming intimate connections with another person, even on a friendship level. I am also not suggesting that having male friends is apropos, although holding men (or anyone on the receiving end of privilege) accountable for their behavior is an important element of social change.

I am also aware that there is a fair amount of feminist discourse surrounding this topic. In order to sell female solidarity to women who aren’t yet feminist-identified, we need hipper marketing tactics.

Which brings me to the Women’s Open Source Back Up Project.

This Project started on LiveJournal, as a response to “The Women’s Open Source Boob Project,” (I shit you not) that happened at an open source convention earlier this year. Apparently, groups of guys wandered around asking random women if they could grope their breasts. Call me a feminist, but, there is a slight chance that women might feel harassed, intimidated, or otherwise uncomfortable when confronted by a pack of men in such a manner. I know, I’m such a party pooper. As sexist as the Open Source Boob Project was, the man who proposed it apologized publicly, and it led to the Open Source Back Up Project.

If you want to be a part of the project, this is what it entails:

“Here’s my pledge: if I see somebody groping you in public, and you’re not moaning Yes! Yes! Yes!, I will break through your Somebody Else’s Problem invisibility field and come over and ask if you’re okay. If your situation looks dangerous enough I can’t help on my own, I will call over friends or, if it’s a situation in which I think the cops would be on your side, I will call the cops. If you’re being harassed by a guy, you can say so to me, even if you don’t know me. I pledge I will distract him so you can get away, or I will tell him that he needs to leave, or whatever I can do to the best of my ability. I pledge that yes, actually, because you are a woman I will give you the benefit of the doubt. If you tell me that a guy just did something shitty to you I will not refuse to look at any evidence and tell you that I know him and he’s a great guy and you must have been imagining things. I have great loyalty to my male friends but I will not allow that to blind me to the fact that none of us are saints and even my best friends can screw up and may need to be called on it. I pledge that I will walk you to your car if you don’t feel safe walking alone at night, and then you can drive me to mine.

I pledge that even if I don’t know you, if there is a creepy guy following you around, you can say so, and I will not say to you go hide in your room; I will say to him go find another party, or if necessary, go home. I will come with you if you need to talk to the con organizers. I will not make you feel like your right to control over your own body is not a big deal.

And I will do this whether or not I like you, or even know you. It’s not about liking you. It’s about the fact that we need to back each other up, and I will need you to do this for me some day.”

The concept is simple: no purchase necessary, no signature required. “Open Source” in the connotation of a social justice project indicates that there is no central governing body, and that it is up to participants to uphold the pledge however they see fit and to hold each other accountable.

I dig the idea, and not just because I tried to apply these principles in my life before I heard of the Back-Up Project. Unfortunately, most women experience the skeezy feeling that results from unwanted sexual attention fairly often. Hopefully, that makes the Back-Up Project something which most of us can easily relate to, and a jumping-off point for breeding a mindset of solidarity among non-feminists.

I am trying to gauge whether there’s enough interest to make t-shirts to promote this project. Violet came up with a gorgeous design. Please let me know if you would be interested in purchasing torso-based advertising to help combat sexual harassment.

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I blame the patriarchy, sisterhood is powerful, solidarity